Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You Might Also Like
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Jokes on them. I took 10.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close