It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.