Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Extremely relatable.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Body by sandwich.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.