[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
(Electricians.)
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table