Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!