*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy