God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You Might Also Like
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.