Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous