[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
LA today:
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”