My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
You Might Also Like
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.