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*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear