Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
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Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing