[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah