Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Hell yeah 👍
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My new favorite headline
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada