Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes