Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Mad Max: Furry Road
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
For the baby who has everything
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials