Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*frowns in Scottish*
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE