Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
No, he would not have.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.