Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no