Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
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#parenting
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Friends that check up on you >
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
6: are snakes just neck?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING