ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
You Might Also Like
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
How it started How it’s going
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP