If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”