Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations