Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
You Might Also Like
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A drum solo but on your face.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true