Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
What flavor cupcake are these
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.