What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.