*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
NASA has no chill
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable