Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?