🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong