Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?