Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)