I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Finally!
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
shut up and take my money
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: