[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
😂😂
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.