me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons