My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
the rocks need my help
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.