Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You Might Also Like
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My favorite farside!!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm