Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
You Might Also Like
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
just got my engagement photos
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”