Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas