*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
good let them take over I have had enough
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.