If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Why am I like this?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.