Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.