sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Möther may I have a snäck
Same pineapple, same
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”