I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high