really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Buying a well is money well spent.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking