People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull