[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“A little help here, Danny?”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
This is me
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
White Castle for the Win
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone