*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.