Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure