I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.