me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You Might Also Like
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
🤣could you imagine
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.